My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
