nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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