ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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