she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
