I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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