I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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