WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Boobs speak an international language.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
