Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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