Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
