good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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