My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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