I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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