The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
