I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My ass is underappreciated
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
