I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
