mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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