i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
