i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize