genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
