we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
