New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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