it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm like, not good at living.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize