my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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