Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
