she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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