Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
