There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the day after is always just damage control
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
