Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
