I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
