We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
