Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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