sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
