Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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