she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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