well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
