Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
