someone owes me an orgasm
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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