Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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