his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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