after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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