I wish I could teleport
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
