I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I wish there were birth control emojis
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
