I just threw up on my dentist
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
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