i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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