he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
