The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
