He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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