I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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