i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
