Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
