I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
