I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
