I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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