No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Randomize
