No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
