it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
